The End Is Nigh.

Tramps with billboards had a tendency to annoy Mango. Fig had no such problems, since she spent most of her time off creating the universe (no small job). Mango eyeballed the bloke opposite her in the London Tube wearing the sandwich board (THAT was what they were called...Mango paid very little attention to passing trends amongst these humans), daring him to come closer.
He came closer. Mango had to admit he was a courageous one. Braver than that nancy Hercules, she suspected. Mango knew for a fact that he'd got goddess Hecate to clean that stable out for him, in return for a horse with an erectile problem and a hot pepper condom. Hecate had not been pleased.
The tramp sidled closer. Mango gave him and irate look and he backed off so suddenly that he nearly tripped over his sandwich board.
"The end is coming!!!!" he cried, pointing at Mango, who rolled her eyes. "I see a shining goddess!!! All the world will perish in fire and nacho cheese!!"
Mango frowned slightly. How had the mortal known she was thinking of having nachoes for supper tonight? She got off the tube slightly bemused and more than a little humbled. Really, humans were more clever than she gave them credit for.

The French Convention.

This has nothing to do with a certain film.

A long, long time ago, there was a huge drug-running scheme going on over the Atlantic. Since it was such a long time ago, the runners all had names like Um and Ogg and Piss. One day a runner called Eek was down at the wharves.
Eek spotted something that looked like a bag of pure guano. He was very excited, since pure dinosaur guano (the best kind) is very expensive. He ran over and picked the bag up. Then a load of policeOgs came out from behind the ships and hit Eek over the head with their clubs and dragged him off.

Eek was very stupid. Never pick up dinosaur guano. Not even in a bag.

An Unfortunate Series of Events Concerning Fire and Brimstone

The other day I was thinking, which I tend to do, and suddenly I thought, I wonder if Charon gets pissed off with all the wierdos he has to ship over to hell? So I wrote a little play/poem thingy about Charon which made me laugh and made my dad scared.

Charon and the Priest.

P: Is this the boat to Heaven?

C: Heaven? No such place mate

P: Good, good.

C: It’s just a place that slacker Adam made up so that Mankind wouldn’t mind dying.

P: One more for the Pearly Gates here.

C: Pearly Gates? Oh, you mean the retirement home.

P: Yes, I'm going straight to the top.

C: Apollo’s gone south already.

P: Our Lord’s going to reward me, I tell you.

C: Terrible state he’s in.

P: I tell you, the things I’ve done in His name…

C: Drooling everywhere…

P: A week in a Tibetan monastery to ‘find the other side’

C: really

P: All that happened is I died.

C: tragedy

P: Bloody Abbot.

C: Eh?

P: Bet it was him put those mushrooms in my soup.

C: Pffffff…

P: Gosh, are we here already?

C: How time flies.

P: Better get going.

C: yeah

P: Don’t want to be late!

C: Oh Christ

P: Yoohoo? Peter? Anyone home…

C: Bloody weirdos…

I can just see the look of bemusement...

What Happened After That.

The day came when Mango was bored of sitting around watching her lazy-ass grandkids (Fig was off creating Africa, which doesn't happen in a day, I can tell you). The Ice Age had toughened them up for a bit, but now Mango was sick of spending day after day watching those stupid women sit around waiting for their husbands to bring back meat. Mango was a big supporter of woman power. So Mango went to the far North, where they called her GUÐRÍÐR, or beautiful god, which Mango not unsurprisingly appreciated. (They called Fig HJÖRDÍS or sword goddess).
Mango was walking along on the sea, which was as calm as glass because she was walking on it, and she came across a canoe. The canoe was made of seal skins and wood and there were four people sitting in it. Mango was intrigued to know what a canoe was doing so far out on the ocean, so she approached. Since Mango was so much smaller than Fig she was human-sized, but the woman in the canoe waved her paddle as Mango approached as though she knew that something wasn't quite human about this beautiful, naked woman who was walking on the sea.
"Greetings, Goddess," the woman said. "I am Morishka, and this is my husband Yoruba. The baby is my son Wordiss and the girl my daughter Yuri."
"Greetings, woman," Mango said. She bent to examine the baby. "He looks good and strong."
Morishka puffed up her chest, which made Mango avert her eyes politely. "He is," she replied proudly. "He takes after his mother."
"Of course," Mango said. "You look like a spiritual woman. How would you like to be a priest and sing my praises?"
Morishka shook her head regretfully. "I'm sorry, Goddess, but I could never live in the shadow of another woman."
Mango laughed. "I like you, Morishka," she said. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
Morishka hesitated. Mango leant forwards and Morishka whispered in her ear.
"Really?" Mango said in amazement. "That small?"
"I can hear everything you're saying!" Yoruba said indignantly from the stern.
Mango granted Morishka's wish, to Morishka's delight, and went home. It had been a long day.

Fantasy Children - Snow, Fur And Hot Sex In A Tent.

I know I've already posted today, but I'm bored and I haven't moved my ass off this seat for seven hours. (By the way, the beginning is tedious but just keeep going!)

At the start of consciousness, there were the Fantasy Children, and they lived in a land which was covered in snow all year. They ate wolverine and squirrel meat and made huts out of pine branches and wolf skins. They wore wolf skins and boots and they didn't eat the wolf meat because it was considered bad luck. They worshipped the Sky God, Yuri, who was a big, beautiful woman, and who was also called Created All Things. There were, at first, only two Fantasy Children; a boy, Yoruba, and a girl, Morishka. Yoruba built the houses and Morishka hunted the wolverines, because Morishka was the Daughter of Yuri and she could Sing All Things To Her. So Morishka sang the wolverine song and killed the wolverines and the squirrels, and Yoruba cut branches and stretched hides and cooked and dried meat.
Every summer they moved North to worship Yuri Created All Things by sacrificing a third of their hunts. Morishka pulled the sled and Yoruba walked behind and they went to the Summer Caves where the snow was thick and the wolverine fat.
One evening they were sitting around their campfire and Morishka looked up into the starry sky and said, "I want a baby."
Yoruba stared at her. "What?" he said.
Morishka scowled. She hated being asked pointless questions. "I want a baby," she repeated.
Yoruba was shocked. "How?" he said helplessly.
Morishka sighed. This was clearly going to be more difficult than she had bargained for.

-------- * CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED * ----------

Morishka and Yoruba saw the dawn through the roof of the tent.
"It's dawn," said Yoruba. Morishka scowled.
"I know..." she said.
Later that day, the darkness came down suddenly, and the Fire In The Sky Colours played over the stars. Morishka and Yoruba fell to their knees in the snow, wincing slightly because it is not comfortable to fall onto compacted snow with only a layer of mangy fur between you and it, because The Fire In The Sky Colours meant Yuri Created All Things Was Coming.
Morishka looked up. Striding out of the sky was a huge, beautiful woman with breasts like a pregnant wolverine and a conveniently placed toga. "Yuri Created All Things!" Morishka hissed, poking Yoruba in the ribs. Yoruba fell over. Morishka pulled him up by the ears.
"Morishka," Fig said.
"Yuri Created All Things," Morishka replied.
"Have a baby," Fig said, holding a baby girl out on her fingertip.
Morishka stared at it.
"Are you sure?" she said.
"Oh, yeah," said Fig. "I've got more than I need at the moment. Overproduction..."
"Er...Thanks," Morishka said, taking the baby off of Fig's finger.
"Any time," Fig said. She paused a moment, and leant down and whispered in Morishka's ear.
"Really? That small?" Morishka asked, amazed. Fig nodded. Both of them grinned.
"I can hear every word you're saying!" Yoruba said indignantly from the snow.

This story proves that Hot Sex In A Tent possibly created Russia as we know it, and that all things are possible if you want them enough.

At The Start...

At the start, Fig created the world. And because creators always seem to be men, Fig was a woman, and yes, she did have big boobs, because big boobs are better than small boobs. Fig got a bit lonely wandering around creating things, so she created Mango from her toenails. Mango was also a woman, and because Fig had big boobs and was generally big and beautiful and fruitful, Mango was very small and sat on Fig's shoulder, and told her what Fig couldn't see because she was too high up.
Fig and Mango created trees and named them after each other and just generally fell in love, which proves that Sapphites come in peace. Then Mango wanted a baby, so Fig made a baby out of poinsettia petals, and it was a boy and they called him Jared.
Mango and Jared lived in a cave while Fig went off creating things, and when Fig got back Jared was a man and he wanted a wife. So Fig made him a wife called Jedda from a scrap of silk which had fallen off of her conveniently placed toga. Jedda and Jared went off and had twelve children, and taught them about the goddesses who lived in the caves up the mountain.
Fig was sad because she didn't fit into Mango's cave, and Mango wouldn't move away from her family, who she watched over with her magic telescope :). So Fig went off and created more things for the world, and when she got back twenty years had passed and Jared was an old man. However his eldest son Dave had listened to his father's tales about the goddesses and wanted a wife, since he had an inkling that it might not be quite right to sleep with one of his thirteen sisters. So Dave went off up the mountain and prostrated himself before Mango's cave, and he prayed for a wife.
Mango came out of her cave and kicked Dave's butt down the mountain. She told him that the only way to make his race strong was to sleep with his sisters. So Dave did, and that is how humanity came about.

This proves that Sapphites are good creators, but not so good in the reproduction line of things. Since Dave's family ended up Neanderthals and died out at the end of the Ice Age. And they all looked really, really similar...